I need glasses to read. I didn’t always need glasses. When I was 21 I was diagnosed with a congenital birth defect in my right eye. I had always had spotty vision out of that eye but no eye doctor would believe me. When I was in third grade my parents took me to an eye doctor and I explained that sometimes the letters looked weird but I knew what they were. For example capital A’s looked like upside down V’s. I knew they were A’s but still I had a hole in my vision. He accused me of just wanting glasses. My parents were embarrassed. But at 21 a doctor saw the hole in my eye and validated my experiences with vision.
But now I have tunnel vision. I can only see the tragedy in my current situation. It makes me focus on the sad, lonely times I am going to experience and blocks any goodness. I wish it weren’t this way but it is. I can only see what I don’t want to see.
I worry about the future. My mind and my heart seem to be telling me that I can make it. But I just seem to want to focus in on my problems and see only my deficits. Will I have enough money? Will I be able to fill the lonely hours alone? What happens to me when I can’t carry on? I need to look away. Its like a train wreck and my vision won’t allow me to focus on anything else.